My child doesn’t know it yet, he is too young to express it, but he is in “pursuit of happiness”, this happiness is not too far from reach but every time he gets a glimpse of it, it is being snatched away from him, just like this. His life is a complete emotional roller coaster, and this has been a battle for the last four years.
I am his mom, and one day in my life I made a mistake, I met the wrong man, my son was born out of this relationship, my child is a gift to me. But my mistake with this man has affected and still affects my son. Basically, he is paying the price and now has, by court order, to visit his dad. From the very beginning my little guy showed negative behavioural and emotional signs after a visit with dad, I don’t need to go in all the details of what we have been living for the last 4 years, it is like a nightmare that never ends, not the worst story out there I am sure, but we live a very real nightmare….my son’s nightmare is this emotional up and down he goes through, feeling helpless, going through the motion waiting for it to end and go back to normal, he is in pain; my nightmare is to see my child suffering and not being able to help him more; It reminds me everyday how my child is paying the price for my mistake.
His dad is not emotionally stable; anyone who lives around him gets hurt. It took all the strength I had to leave. If it was this hard for an adult imagine what it is like for a child to make the decision to let go of the person he loves.
My son knows and is very much aware of what is happening in his life, he has so much wisdom for his age, but he is young and he can only make a child’s decision. How long does he have to wait until he can’t not take the pain anymore and decides on his own that spending time with his dad is detrimental to him? Probably a few years, until he reaches an age of reason. But in the meantime a part of his childhood is taken away.
When my son is well he plays soccer and learns how to swim, he has a big smile on his face and his eyes are wide open, he enjoys learning and gets along well with his friends. Why should this be taken away from him? Isn’t it what being a child is all about? This story is not about his mother who made a mistake in her life or about a dad emotionally unstable, this is now about a little boy, and about what I can do to help him…..After a visit with dad, he can’t focus anymore, he goes to a different world in his mind, his behaviour changes, he is full of anger and resentment and is stricken by very painful migraines that force him to stay in bed, in the dark… in silence…. while his soccer team mates and swim buddies play and learn.
In other words, he has to be heavily medicated to withstand the emotional/physical pressure of a visit with his dad and this for what? For the right of a father to see his child? For his father to have the pleasure and the right to emotionally and physically hurt him more? Something is wrong here!!!
Now what did I do for my son?
When he very early on expressed abnormal behaviour I simply follow the normal steps a mother would follow and I contacted the authorities that are supposed to help our children, I contacted them not just once but several times. They did nothing but interrogate a 3 years old boy at the time that could feel the tension and anyway did not know what to say. It turned out to be a nightmare and the reason for more anger and tension between mom and dad, this poor little boy was first in line for target. In the end this institution wrote in their report that there may be exposure to pornography and closed the case, I got a nice letter telling me that basically I am a trouble maker and may be even a liar ( all put in nice words of course!!). My child kept on going for visits, was still showing disturbing sexual behaviours and his migraines got stronger and stronger. I was shocked with what had just happened, I never had to deal with such institution before and I trusted them. This was my first exposure with any authority group supposed to be there to help the children.
I went to get help through a psychologist and social workers, we tried a few things thinking it would help him, but here again I had to put an end to it, the questioning we had to go through was unbearable, it only reminded my son of the conflict he was caught in between. I could see the pain in his eyes; I could see him entering his own little world with this heavy glaze in his eyes, basically begging me to stop. So I did, I managed to work everything out through the court system to protect myself and minimise conflict thinking it would stop the nightmare, but it didn’t, it kept going for this boy. Visitations kept on happening…
We asked for a children lawyer to be involved, here again we went through the painful process of questioning and being watched and judged, despite some people testimonies of what we were going through and what my son was going through, it was concluded that actually he would benefit more if he saw his father more often. I could not believe of the verdict, so for my son’s “well-being” his visitations with dad increased and my son gets sicker more often now, so much for looking after his well-being. My kid’s well-being was not in my hands anymore, but in the hands of strangers who did not live on a daily basis the roller coaster and did not physically see what this boy was going through. And these people decide of the fate of a child.
His paediatrician was also involved for a while, trying to understand the origin of these headaches, Lazaro here again was so uncomfortable, dreading those appointments. In the end nothing happened and I was basically told that he could do nothing for lazaro, just to give him his medication. The doctor tried to get an appointment with dad who ignored them and never went to see the doctor. And it stopped there. And here again I did not pursue, it was too painful to see the roadblocks no matter what I did, and it always stopped at the same place: when someone else needed to get involved to help. No one will stand up; children’s custody and visitations are a taboo, everyone is so afraid to speak up, by fear that if the child does not see his dad he would be emotionally unstable and damaged. Well what is worse, not to see a dad and have a chance to know happiness, or see you dad and be sick, with all the consequences of being sick. When this little boy is sick, he can’t do all the things he would like to, he has a hard time studying, playing sports, plus the emotional roller coaster he is going through, this is definitely not good for his self-esteem and his health.
So for a long time, I did let go, telling myself all I can do is watch my son go through the process, I even had to learn how to detach my emotions, telling myself this is what he has to live, trying to find happiness despite the pain he is going through. But I can not detach from this, how can a mother not feel the pain her son his going through. Tonight my son his screaming in pain in his bedroom, he can’t take the migraines anymore, he has enough, he said to me “mommy I can’t take the headaches anymore, they are so painful”, all I did is cry with him, trying in between his screams to get some Motrin down his throat.
That’s what our life is all about. And tonight I decided to write about it.
Does anybody truly care about the future of our children? Do you hear me….Does anybody care?
Does anyone realise that the well being of a child is important, children are the future, and they are the ones who will take care of this planet when we are gone. We all say yes that we care but we don’t take a stand, everybody is scared.
The government has all those groups and associations in place, what for? No one wants to take responsibility, children’s custody and arrangements are a taboo, no one wants to get involved. There is no room for emotions in the court room.
I took responsibility for the mistake I made, I help my child in every way I can with what I can do, we have made progress, but that’s not enough for him. I can not on my own take on a whole system based on laws not made to protect children but to protect criminals and sick minded people. I did go back to a lawyer for may be the fourth time, and I was told that even with a doctor’s letter proving his state of health it would cost me $12000 to have a thorough assessment done that could “may be” prove the father’s inability to take care of the child and that I am among the lucky ones nowadays to have full custody of the child and that I should be happy with this. $12000 is a lot of money that may not even help in the end. The law is a money market, and I refuse to feed this market with my precious money anymore.
There are many cases like ours but no one can hear us or wants to hear. Everyone is treated according to the same laws and regulations, but you know what! We are all different, every case is different, and every child is different. There is no room for emotions in the court house and I have lost faith in the court system, I did not feel that our case was treated any differently; we are all in the same bag.
For now my child is stuck, no way out of this nightmare. What are his rights? Isn’t it Love and Peace or is it dread, pain and cruelty. Emotional abuse is horrible because you can’t prove it. All the money in the world could not prove it. So what are we left with, what are his options for now… just a “pursuit to happiness”…..
So I decided I don’t want to have anything to do with the court system anymore, or the lawyers or the doctors, they have all been trained to think and respond the same way, and anyway a lot of those wonderful professionals feel helpless in front of the system. I reclaim our individuality, I believe there always is an answer to a problem, and there is one for us. I am not giving up, I am often discouraged but I refuse to give up. We will take the time it takes, but I will give my child self-esteem, health and strength in any way I can so one day he can say “no more” and stand up for himself, his answers will come from within. And when he is ready I will be there for him and support him along the way. That’s my promise to him so he can find happiness.
And if you have a similar story, share it with me, and if you want to know how I manage to help my child the best I can, contact me I know great professionals who have helped us make life easier.
Christele